


Recluse

by midorihaven, Yasu (Ebyru)



Series: Matsumiya Collab [1]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-26
Updated: 2012-03-26
Packaged: 2017-11-02 13:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midorihaven/pseuds/midorihaven, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ebyru/pseuds/Yasu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jun and Nino keep agonizing over feelings that they've bottled up inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recluse

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by mmestrange at livejournal.  
> written in 2008

**Nino POV**  
  
I wish my eyes could convey all that needed to be said. "I love you" are three words with such depth that I shake at the thought of speaking them. Sho teases me, saying that my hard shell could never be pierced. If only he knew what you have done to me. Ohno plays with me as well, purposely in front of you, trying to provoke a response. But all you do is laugh, smile, and continue to ravage the pages of your novel.  
  
Like the warmth of the desert sands, soothing and calm, gentle but strong, you invoke something inside of me. Even now, as your glasses slip to the end of your nose and you push it back, there's finesse to your movements. I stand across from you, humbled by such grace, more awkward than a newborn.  
  
Somehow, I wish I were your book.  
  
Though I'd be inanimate, you wouldn't just see: you'd look at me. You'd admire the treasures I could gratify you with, devouring my insides as fast as you could. Though I wouldn't feel it, you'd wrap your slender digits around me tightly, afraid to let go of this pleasure you so clearly crave.  
  
 **  
Jun POV**  
  
I try not to think about it. Your laugh, your smile, that mischievous glint in your eyes. I try not to think about how close you are to the others; about how cold you are to me. I try not to imagine how it would be if your eyes looked only at me. How would it be to have your fingers entwined with mine; to have those curling lips pressed against my own? How soft would your lips be? How strongly could those fingers grasp? Those talented fingers that strum a guitar and caress piano keys; what would it feel like to have those fingers play across me?  
  
Even as my eyes wander across the room searching for you I clutch my book tighter. I will myself to look down at the black and white pages, but the words no longer speak to me. I can't read anything, I can't see anything when I know you are in the same room. Frustrated, I raise my head and when you catch my gaze in your own, I hate myself for not speaking. I turn back to my book and hide behind those blank pages and behind my blank smile.  
  
If I could find my voice, I would say it. Those three words that have been caught in my throat for years. If I had a glimmer of hope, I'd say it. If you were mine, I'd say it. "I love you." But all these years that we've known each other you've always belonged to another. Even as Riida folds you into his embrace I wish those arms were my own. So I sit here and watch, my lips frozen into an indifferent smile.  
  
I avert my gaze when your eyes linger on mine for a moment longer. I can't afford to let you read me with those intelligent eyes of yours. So I sit here with my face buried in my book and content myself with the fact that I can be by your side...even if I am only a friend.  
  
  
  
 **Nino POV**  
  
Surprised, he turned to look my way.  
  
I finally managed to catch his gaze, his stare, his eyes that do nothing but pierce through my insides and leave me raw with desire. There might truly be a light at the end of this tunnel, and I only hope I'm not too late. With a character such as his, who could resist him? Jun, of course, can kill his screaming fans with nothing but a smile. But he's touched me with his sensitivity and generosity, along with a softer side I wished I could possess.  
  
I wonder if he would even love a man that way. I wonder if he could ever love me like that.  
  
If I was cruel to him, I'm sure he'd remember, and I probably was. My love is like a rose covered in thorns, prickling the person to whom I passed it to as it enters them faintly. I never learned to love without it being bittersweet, my bliss ruined by childish acts and uncontrollable moods. I'm afraid of being denied. How would that work out? He'd laugh it off? Would he get angry with me and slip away, much like what happened with Sho?  
  
If, against all odds he'd accept me, selfish and needy, to be his one and only, what would I do?  
  
Like I always do, I rush into a situation, following my heart rather than letting my head blur my opinion of things. Which seems to be the best way, my gut feeling leads me into magnificent places, beyond my imagination. Arashi was one of those happenings. This could only end up being a positive. I cannot see it unraveling in any other way.  
  
My legs tremble with every step towards him. My heart skips a beat every time I think his name. Ohno stares at me, with a smile so bright I almost couldn't see where I'm headed anymore. He's known for a while, maybe too long. He winks at me, proud of my decision. Aiba and Sho whisper sweet nothings to each other, too occupied to notice my feat. I'm so nervous, I think I might have to pee...soon.  
  
I'm here, I've arrived. Dignity, regret, kiss your little butts goodbye.  
  
"Jun." I mumbled it more than I'd planned.  
  
"Hmm?" He already started to smile. Maybe this was a good day after all.  
  
"Umm. Can you come with me for a few minutes?" I fiddled with my thumbs, too worried of what he'd say.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Is something wrong?" He removed his glasses so elegantly that I almost dropped to my knees.  
  
"N-no, nothing. Just need to talk with you for a moment." I shuffled from side-to-side impatiently.  
  
  
 **Jun POV**  
  
I hate myself for doing this. I thought I had more self-control, but my eyes flitted up and away from the book again. This time it was too late. He caught me. This time there was no escape, no excuses. I couldn't just look away like a child; it would be even more awkward than staring into his eyes at this very moment. He held my gaze and he looked back at me with those deep, dark eyes; with an expression that I couldn't read. This was bad. Nino didn't know it, but that gaze of his always took my breath away and took the strength of my legs from underneath me. Thank God I was actually sitting down this time.  
  
Did my heart suddenly feel weak or was it just nerves? Nino started walking towards me and I started praying for a hole to appear in the earth beneath, a hole big enough to swallow and bury me. I would have bolted from my seat like a coward, but that silent gaze of his had me frozen still. What was it? What did he want? What would I do with myself if he found my actions disgusting?  
  
"Jun." he mumbled.  
  
I was speechless and all I could manage for an answer was "Hmm?"  
  
"Umm. Can you come with me for a few minutes?"  
  
I felt a lead weight drop in the pit of my stomach. Honestly, I was afraid. Afraid to talk to him. Afraid to be alone with him. Afraid that my true feelings would surface. Afraid that I was in store for a flat rejection. But what could I say after eleven years of friendship? No, I don't feel like talking to you right now. That wasn't an option. He was standing just an arm's length away from me now and I slipped the glasses off my face just to buy another split second of time, but no excuses came to mind.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Is something wrong?"  
  
"N-no, nothing. Just need to talk with you for a moment."  
  
He looked a little pensive today, those lovely lips of his pursing into the beginnings of a pout. What did he want to talk about that he couldn't say it in front of the others? I snapped my book shut, trying to hide the trembling of my fingers and I smiled at him. I followed him out of the room in silence and kept reminding myself that we were only friends.  
  
He headed out towards the open stairwell on the seventh floor, and we got a decent view of the city from the studio. I couldn't look at him just yet so I leaned against the railing and sighed. I hope he thought that I was taking in the horizon, not trying to catch my breath and still my pounding heart.  
  
"What did you want to talk about?" I asked without turning towards him. I couldn't trust my eyes not to scream my desire for him so I continued to stare out at the blue sky.  
  
"Umm..." he fumbled in his pocket and took out a cigarette.  
  
He offered me one and I shook my head. My nerves were shot, if I started now I'd go through the whole pack while pacing around him in circles like a predator. I needed some restraint. I watched him take a drag and it felt wrong somehow. I snatched the cigarette from his fingers. His eyes widened.  
  
"Jun-kun?"  
  
"These are bad for your voice."  
  
He snorted. "You smoke too."  
  
"I don't have a beautiful voice like yours." I bit my lip. What I did was completely irrational and I sounded jealous of his talent. I just didn't want to see him lose it, that angelic voice that always reduced me to tears. I had to smooth things over. I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want him to think that I was having another one of my infamous moods. "Sorry, I...."  
  
I couldn't find the words and my voice failed me. Nino was looking straight at me, straight through my soul. What would he see in my eyes? The shattered soul of a man that never truly loved? Could he heal me? Could he save me? I reached out for him. I closed the distance between us with one stride. He was so close, but I wanted to be closer. My hand moved on its own and stroked his cheek. If I lowered my head, I could kiss him. I heard a slight whimper escape from his lips and it froze me in my tracks. What was I doing? If I continued like this, I'd destroy our friendship. I'd have nothing left.  
  
I dropped my hand and backed away hastily. "I need to go to the bathroom."  
  
I ran back towards the studio without registering the last words he said to me. What if he hated me? I was a coward. I felt sick. A sharp pain pierced the inside of my stomach and I lost my breath, that was the last thing I could remember.  
  
  
  
 **Nino POV**  
  
To my delight, things went my way. Though he seemed kind of irritated the way he snapped his novel shut, his warm smile followed and encouraged me to continue.  
  
I shuffled out of the room, looking around in a subtle way, trying to find the perfect place. There need not be any distractions or interruptions. I needed to share my entire heart with him. How many people could say they were ready to do that? The right environment was a key factor for this announcement. Outside, I decided, in the center of nature's beauty with a view that others would kill for.  
  
With little delay, he pressed the matter. "What did you want to talk about?"  
  
As Jun looks out, I stare at him. I tried to make him look my way, the ball in the pit of my stomach slowly devouring my courage. I need to do this, if not for both of us to be more comfortable, then for me to get it off of my chest finally. I mumbled to stall for time. The stress was eating at me, I took out a cigarette despite knowing that I was trying to quit.  
  
I think Jun knows too, refusing to take one and then stealing mine away. I kind of appreciate him doing so. I might have finished the pack if it weren't for him being there. I say his name, in an admiring and curious way, glad that he's taking care of me like I'd watched him do to Aiba for years. Yes, I was jealous.  
  
"These are bad for your voice." It wasn't me he cared for, but Arashi as usual. I should have known.  
  
I pretend as if nothing fazed me, my cold exterior taking over once again. "You smoke too." It's not unlike me to point the finger at someone else, trying to get the heat away from myself. I couldn't take too much pressure.  
  
"I don't have a beautiful voice like yours." I gawk. I can't believe what he said.  
  
There were a few ways to take that; some of which worked to my advantage. If he likes my voice, maybe I could use it to sway his feelings in my favor. If he was jealous, I could arrange something between us, similar to what Sho did for him. These thoughts, Jun seemed too stubborn to comply. Picking a whole new tactic would be easier. I wanted to confess my envy. Jun, you don't need my voice. You have so many other, better qualities. Positive qualities I knew I could never obtain, even if I spent a century watching his ways.  
  
Before my mind could untangle the shambles of thought, or pay heed to what he said, he approached.  
  
My eyes move side to side, trying to read him, as his hand touched me softly. His expression claims me, I could see a glint of hope; it was a mesmerizing find. Something calls out to me, and suddenly I want his lips on mine so much so that sounds escape from me without my permission. The words repeat in my mind: kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me now.  
  
"Kiss me, Jun." I couldn't stop it from escaping my lips.  
  
I think it was the wrong thing to say. "I need to go to the bathroom." The way his body jolts in the opposite direction caused a pain in my chest.  
  
I watched him run off, but it's not the end. I won't let our relationship worsen; it can only get better. I need his skin on me, I need his love selfishly, I want him and only him and there's no way I'm letting it end this way.  
  
I pull the door open, looking both ways anxiously. I can't remember for the life of me which way the bathroom is. How exactly was I going to find him? I hate my video games at times like this. I scratch the top of my head, eyes asquint, trying to picture the last time I went to the toilet. I follow my gut; it tells me he's left. It had to be left, definitely.  
  
I run down the hall, there was no turning back now.  
  
I spot him: he leans on the wall in front of the studio door, he won't look at me. I can't worry about the reason for now, I had a mission to complete.  
  
"Jun." I walked up to him, dragging my feet. I feel heavier than before, the pressure sinking into me. It's finally sinking in: he's my one.  
  
"Yeah Nino." He's still not looking, but I'm not stopping.  
  
"I really want this." I lick my lips, hinting him subconsciously of what's to come.  
  
I slither closer, I feel myself going limp but I struggle to stay on my feet. I plant the palms of my hands on either side of him, my hips pressing gently against his, I hover my lips over his. I look up at his eyes. They said nothing so I continued by dropping my lips onto Jun's.  
  
Hands grab hold of my waist and I felt as though I might faint. I'm already shaking from trying to keep up to his height.  
  
  
 **Jun POV**  
  
Unable to stand on my own, I supported myself with one arm on the wall as I slowly shuffled back towards the studio. The stress was getting to me and piled on top of it all were my fears that Nino may hate me. I wanted to faint. If I allowed myself to close my eyes, if I allowed myself to lie down I wouldn't be able to wake up from it. It was getting hard to breathe, but I had to pull myself together before I could face the rest of Arashi, so I allowed myself to lean against the wall for a moment longer. That's when he found me. I heard his footsteps behind me and it took all of my stubborn willpower not to look, not to turn towards him.  
  
"Jun."  
  
I tried to pretend that my heart didn't soar every time he called my name. "Yeah Nino?"  
  
"I really want this."  
  
I saw him lick his lips and my heart almost stopped. He walked towards me and trapped me against the wall with his arms on either side of me. His hips pressed against mine and I thought that I was going to lose my mind. Save me...help me...save me from this torture...Kazu.... He pressed his lips against my own and I was swallowed up in madness. I wanted him so much. I loved him so much. It was real, it was tangible. I loved him and I couldn't stop. Squelching the nagging fears that lingered in the back of my mind, I kissed him back. I pulled him closer: I wrapped my arms around his waist.  
  
"Kazu..." I muttered his name in between kisses.  
  
"I love you, Kazu." I broke away from his kisses just long enough to look down into his eyes. "I've always loved you."  
  
After all these years, I could say it. After all these years, he was in my arms.  
  
He looked up at me with sparkling eyes, "I love you, Jun."  
  
I felt his grip tighten around my neck, and likewise, I pulled him even closer. We reached for each other frantically, desperately. Our need for each other grew as if we were two halves of a whole that had been separated for too long.  
  
"Kazu..." that was the only word I could say. That was the only word left in my mind.  
  
  
 **Nino POV**  
  
"Kazu..." He says. It feels so personal, I love it.  
  
"I love you, Kazu." My breath catches in my chest.  
  
He loves me? He loves me. Me, the playful little fiend who always takes shots at him any chance I get. Me, the video game freak who can't help but be perverted around people I really like. Me, who's loved him before I ever knew the meaning of the word.  
  
"I've always loved you." I exhaled, delight more than present on my face.  
  
I couldn't help but beam back up at him, his words soothing my earlier anxieties away. My eyes sparkled, those three torturous words finally reaching the tip of my tongue, after so many years of being consumed with him and not knowing how to say it.  
  
"I love you, Jun."  
  
I needed him closer, his warmth to seep into my skin and eat me alive. I pulled him in, deepening the kiss, and he responded, his hands grasping the skin of my waist tighter. These kinds of things only happened to me in my dreams, I must still be asleep. Breathless, I give him some space to catch his wind as well.  
  
"Kazu..." His voice reverberates through me, inching its way beneath my layers of clothing, I shudder instantly.  
  
As much as I want to just stand here forever, him holding me, me holding him, a sound disrupts my paradise. I hear someone clear his throat, and from the way it's done, I know it has to be Ohno. I yanked at Jun's shirt, bringing his ear down to my mouth, still trying to soak in the things we had just shared with each other. Just as I tried to let him know of the oncoming danger, he slid his hands lower and my mind went blank.  
  
"Jun.” I coughed lightly, trying to hide the flushed skin of my cheeks.  
  
"Hmm?" He slid his hands back up, gently resting at the small of my back.  
  
"Arashi is right there and I think it's break time." I whisper with a smile creeping onto my lips that I can't seem to erase.  
  
Jun pulls away, pushing his hair back nonchalantly. "I knew that."  
  
I grinned this time, impressed how quickly he could snap back into his cool persona. I huffed, pretending to be annoyed, and his eyes widened. I swatted his hands away, crossing my arms and backing up slightly. I looked to the side, where Arashi had come out from, they waved to us and walked by, not realizing a thing. Ohno, just as expected, winks like he did before and sends me another thumbs up. I watch as they stalk down the hall, Sho's roar of laughter drowned out Aiba's and Ohno's. It's safe once more.  
  
"Jun, you know I love you." I stand across from him, but not facing him, a smirk on the edge of my lips. "Don't you forget it."  
  
My peripheral vision does me well, displaying a confused Jun next to me. I can't let him have me that easy, where's the fun in that? I've done all the work thus far, now it's his turn to work a bit. "You owe me something though." I can almost sense his eyes blinking, his brow furrowing and his lips pursing in an irritated fashion.  
  
"Ehh?" Jun starts, but I run off down the hall, waving to him deviously.  
  
"Come back here, you! What do I owe you already!?" Jun shouts and I can hear it getting closer.  
  
The fun has just begun.  
  
  
The End


End file.
